Without judgement with like-minded people at this Polyamory drink

In an era where taboos are being broken and people are striving for the way of life that really makes them happy, polyamory is an increasingly well-known concept. It is the way of life in which people are open to more than one loving relationship. On January 6, the International Polyamory Meetup Group will host its first poly drink of 2024 in a bar in the center of Amsterdam. The monthly English-language event is all about creating a safe space where polyamorists and interested people can talk to each other free from judgement. Topics of conversation at the drinks vary from life, relationships, friendships, and sex to the tastiest cracker to go with a cheese board.

Beyond the bar, on the right, there is a corner reserved for the event. The café has a reddish-orange glow from the decorative lamps hanging from the ceiling. Slowly, more and more people are trickling in. Some walk into the bar slightly uncomfortably, not seeing any familiar faces, others enthusiastically walk towards their acquaintances. After sticking a name tag on, most of them walk to the bar to grab a refreshment before mingling. It’s a quarter past two, not quite time for a beer yet. ‘I’ll take a coke, please’, says someone with a strong Dutch accent. The six organizers give everyone that arrives a warm welcome.

Freedom

Soon the space fills up and people are busy chatting with each other. A young woman with hair that doesn’t quite brush her shoulders walks into the bar. With a blush on her cheeks, she takes off her gloves and coat and looks around curiously. She sees that behind the piano there is an open closet with a lot of coats in it, she walks over to put her things down as well. She puts on a name tag and then walks up to a group of people, fiddling with the zipper of her cardigan. “Can I get involved in this conversation for a moment?” A married couple and three people who have come to the drinks on their own make an opening in the circle so that she can join in. “What I love about polyamory is the freedom it gives me.” says one of the men. Everyone nods. Someone responds: “Right now I’m only in a relationship with my girlfriend and I’m totally okay with that, I’m not looking for more. Just the idea that I can discover my feelings for someone other than my girlfriend makes me feel nice and free.”

The organizers of the drinks are walking around happily. It seems that they want to speak to every visitor briefly, nothing special, but just let them know that they are there. They wear a clip that reads: Organizer. Questions? Concerns? New at the event? Feel free to talk to me!

Two relationships and two dates

Sophie, a member of the organizer group, talks candidly about her experiences in love. She is dating two people in the Netherlands and has two long-distance relationships. Before she knew the concept of polyamory, Sophie had a number of monogamous relationships. For a long time, she didn’t know how to relate to those relationships and had been unfaithful. She says that she felt badly about it but only because she knew she was hurting her partner. For her, the cheating didn’t say anything about how much she loved her partner, but he couldn’t understand that. That’s why she decided to end her existing relationship first, before starting anything with someone else. “That didn’t feel right. Why should I have to cut off contact with someone before I can have a meaningful relationship with someone else? For me, it has nothing to do with each other.”

It wasn’t until she started dating someone who was polyamorous that she learned the concept. “When I first googled polyamory, I was stunned. That was me! I recognized myself in everything,” she says. For her, polyamory has a lot to do with acceptance of flaws, that your partner doesn’t have to fulfill all your needs, no one is perfect. Her long-distance relationships fulfill different roles and needs than the people she dates. A number of new people walk in to the bar, Sophie looks up, excuses herself and walks up to them enthusiastically.

Polyamory? How?

The big question for many people is: how do you maintain multiple relationships at the same time? And how do you deal with the jealousy? The 35-year-old Sam says: “The most important thing in polyamory is openness, honesty, communication and listening carefully to each other. Polyamory doesn’t last without those things. My wife and I have been polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship. I had been working on it for a while by then, but it was new to her. What it is above all is finding your own way in it. That is sometimes difficult, but above all very beautiful. At first, my wife found it hard to see me going on dates with other people, but when she got a boyfriend of her own, she really understood. We communicate about everything and are the first to tell each other about new developments.” According to many, jealousy is something that certainly does exist within polyamory, it is there, but it is about how you deal with it. “It’s part of life, but as with other unpleasant feelings, it’s necessary to feel it, let it be, express it, and then move on.”

Relationship escalator

People with different origins, orientations, ages, relationship status and so on come to the poly drink. And not everyone is polyamorous. Some people are simply interested in polyamory or are open to the idea. They do not yet know all the terms that are used within polyamory. Sophie, a woman with long hair and a wide, friendly smile on her face, says she is a relationship anarchist. A few people look at her questioningly. She says: “There is such a thing as the ‘relationship escalator’. Basically it’s the path you take within your relationship, the way we’ve been taught. First you start dating someone, then you get into a relationship, you fall in love, move in together, you have children, and stay together until death do you part. There are all kinds of labels involved, those of a relationship, marriage. Relationship anarchists don’t want to go down the road that society tells us is normal.” Sophie gestures two quotation marks with her hands at the word “normal”. She continues: “It’s people who don’t label their relationships, it just is what it is.” The people around her listen intently. Someone adds, “Yes, the only reason you would label your relationship is to give clarity to those around you. They often ask: ‘What are you now?’ but that is none of their business. You don’t have to label your relationship for someone else.”

A community

While new people keep walking in, a few people get a drink. “One ginger tea, two beers and… What do you want?” a tall man with short hair asks the person behind him, they have only just met. “Oh no, I’ll order something myself, that’s a sweet gesture, thank you!” The group starts talking. Most people say that the biggest reason to come to these poly drinks is that they don’t have to justify their way of life. That they finally don’t have to answer a sea of questions about what is, to them, the most normal thing in the world. “Almost everyone immediately says ‘Wow, interesting, but I could never do that.’ Fortunately, we don’t ask for that either!” The rest of this group can confirm this and there is laughter.
What is also said by several people is that they really feel that they are part of a community here. People welcome and understand each other. A young man with long curly hair and fries in his hand tells us that he has been living in the Netherlands for five years; he immediately joined the organization of the Polyamory Meetup. “To me, it’s normal for people to be poly. When someone tells me they’re monogamous, it feels like an exception to me. Most of my social network is in this community.”

“Polyamory completes me”

Remco is a 58-year-old man who has been polyamorous for a number of years. He talks about the stigma surrounding polyamory. “People often think it’s all about sex, but that’s not the case. For me, it’s about connection, yes, also physically. My wife and I are actually a kind of platonic couple, which means that we live together and have a family, but we sleep separately. I’m very happy with her and it’s important that our relationship is good.” Remco’s wife is his ‘nesting partner’, the person you primarily live with. A buzzer goes off, Remco has ordered a portion of bitterballen and it is now ready. When he is back with the bitterballen, he continues. “Being polyamorous is something that completes me, without it, it feels like something is missing. In my day-to-day life, I don’t come across many polyamorous people, which is why these kinds of meetings are so valuable. It’s really nice to talk to people who understand you.”

It’s five thirty and it’s slowly starting to calm down. “My social battery runs out a bit at the end of such an afternoon”, someone says. But that’s not the case for everyone; A few people are still chatting, they are not saying their goodbyes just yet. Come six o’clock, the organizers quietly start to clean up the items on the table and they remove their name tags from their clothes. The poly drink is nearing its end, but the evening in the café has only just begun.

The names in the article have been changed, all persons have been made anonymous for security and privacy reasons. The location of the event is not mentioned for the same reasons.